Sunday, March 22, 2015

When your dream turn out to be not so dreamy

     All my life, I have had one ultimate goal: to live in Europe. Originally, I was going to move to Paris, have a cool job in the fashion world and live happily ever after. However, as I got older things changed. I travelled to Ireland and ended loving it so much that I moved there instead of Paris. Also, I ended up studying to be a teacher, so that became the career I wanted to practice.

     In November 2014, I was offered the opportunity of my dreams: teaching in England. As you can see, it ticked all the boxes of my lifelong goal. So I embarked on this new adventure that was to move to East London and become a Year 4 classroom teacher. It should have been the happiest time of my life, I finally had everything I ever wanted. And yet, it wasn't...

     I can't put my finger on what exactly went wrong. It wasn't really one big thing, it was more like an accumulation of many smaller things. First, the area we lived in was scary. There was not one time that Shane let me walk in my own due to the dodgy feeling of the place. And then, teaching in the English system wasn't what I had expected at all. It was simply so different than what I was used to and while that was kind of the poing (I had actively worked to teach in a different country!), I did not expect to feel so put out by it and to become so doubtful and unsure of my own teaching skills. While there are so many different things done that I will incorporate in my future classroom, many other things went against how I think teaching should be done, to the point where I was questioning whether or not I wanted to continue being a teacher.

     Before we had moved to England, Shane and I said that if either one of was were unhappy, we'd go back home and figure out a new plan. So with everything going the way it was, we came to the conclusion that the both of us were unhappy. This brought on the decision that our time in England had already come to an end.

     This must have been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, because I had to decide whether or not to give up on my dream. I felt like a failure for giving up. I was afraid of what others would think of me. Even after I gave my notice of resignation to the school, it took me so long to actually tell people about it because I felt ashamed.

     But then, after a lot of thinking (and with the help of my ever-so-smart fiancé!), I was finally able to come to the conclusion that all of that doesn't matter. Not what others think and not any of those little voices in my head telling me I was a failure. What mattered was not the fact that I was unable to stay in England until the end of the school year, but rather that I tried. And because I tried, I will never have to ask myself "what if...".

     Sometimes, things don't turn out the way we planned, or wanted, or hoped. Sometimes, dreams are meant to be just that... dreams. Unfortunately, when dreams come true, there is always a chance that the reality of it will just not be what you expected. Sadly, my dream vision of teaching in Europe did not reflect the reality of it. Although I am quite sad that teaching in England didn't work out, at least I am proud that I was brave enough to try it. I tried teaching and living in the UK and it was an experiment, one that has taught me so much about myself on a personal and professional level. So really, it wasn't a failure but rather a success, would't you say?

Yours truly,
Bien la vôtre,

No comments: